He who hesitates

suffocates.

Why are y'all giggling?

"so anyways, the storm was crazy man, the roof got –
ok, seriously man, this is some bullshit, I thought ya'll wanted to hear about the storm. What do y'all fuckers keep laughin at?!"

Everybody can relax

there's a secret manual.

I hate you Photoshop

for making me look twice.
at Oprah.

So this actually happened to me.
I was walking past a magazine stand and stopped and did a double-take.
It totally ruined my day.

At least it wasn't Joan Rivers or something.

Test tube babies - a lesson in discrimination

"made in vagina"

"it's scientifically IMPOSSIBLE for you to even remember what it was like being a fetus...
and now that you're what...
20 years old?
you think it's cool to go to the mall and buy a shirt BRAGGING about it!?"

You have my divided attention

"not you, you"

I know karate

"and the correct pronunciation is kada - tay"

The future is stupid / sweet

"real cool future me, real cool"

"are those regular sized hands?"

Don't judge me

"hi, i'm a completely normal monkey"

Decapitated babies - a lesson in sharing

"quick, gimmie the head, i think i see something"