WELCOME TO HELL

"There you are! We're your assigned demons — pick a happy song and we'll play it in your face for 10,000 years"

Making out with the mirror just got interesting

press play to set the mood

Optimistic snake heralded for positive outlook on life

"Being a snake is like, so awesome. I would trade legs for a forked tongue that scares the crap out of people any day. I find life so rewarding, I mean, what could be better than slithering around looking for things to eat that are bigger than my head... and then swallowing them whole, without chewing. Yay me!"

Talk to the forearm

cuz the hand doesn't have an EAR IMPLANTED IN IT

link

Guitar Hero - Hootie & the Blowfish edition

at least one person is happy

Ya'll have any Applebee's coupons?

because we're about to put on our Crocs® and head on over.

"If the sun were a person..."

"I'd totally make out with it"

Ok, so who's ready for cake?

sorrrrrry vegetarians

see the 'making of' video here

man, I wish I was at that baby shower

for instance, who's cutting the cake?
were their eyes open?

were people saying things like:
"do you want the foot or part of the forehead?"

and what happens if nobody eats it?

theres no good way to get rid of a baby cake

what do you do?

you can't chop it into little pieces

you can't just throw the whole thing in a dumpster


really, about the best thing you could do is
leave it on someones front porch,
ring the doorbell and run

Hang 11

"Bro, check me out...
isn't that what the kids are saying these days?"

He cries scars

that's how sensitive he is

Psycho seal - a lesson in being photogenic

"please drip before he takes it,
please drip before he takes it"

LOOOoook into my eyesssssss

"mav - er - ick"

Baby food stuffed baby stuffed turkey

It starts with the architecture of a 15- to 20-pound semi-boneless turkey -- the wings and drumsticks remain -- that is stuffed with a baby that is stuffed in turn with baby food. After layering the poultry with stuffing, the pile is whomped together, sewn, greased, hoisted into a pan and roasted. It will feed at least 20 people.

Not funny anymore

"give - me - back - my - Boys - II - Men - CD - right - NOW"

Smell my belly button

"stop it, that tickles"

Innocent man rant

"I'm a normal person like everyone else, I swear,

Just because I look intense and sad at the same time and never blink
doesn't mean I'm not friendly.

I don't get why no one will start a conversation with me.

or laughs at my jokes.

It's such bullshit.

It's not fair, why do people think I'm crazy,

HEY, what are you doing?!
stop drawing me, god damnit and
LISTEN TO ME FOR A SECOND!

what the eff,
are you doing COMPOSITE DRAWINGS OF ME !,
are you insane?! no WONDER people think i'm a murderer,

stop scanning that!
ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME!?"

A homeless guy's dream

"omg, quarters"

Where you at Selleck?!

it's better close up, right?

If reincarnation is real

shotgun Selleck-chest-hair-sprinkles

"We still love you"

"just kidding" - everyone

"We still love you"

"just kidding" - your parents

Panda Rant

"it's just bamboo,
I wasn't gonna hit you with it, shit man, relax...
it's what I eat,
I eat bamboo...
fucking, you guys with your cameras,
ever since digital stupid photography got invented you idiots have to capture everything"

"ooooh, I'm eating,
I'm a bear
with fur that makes my eyes look bigger than they actually are
ooh, scary and cute
the perfect combo
oooh, pandas
let's take pictures of them trying to have a snack
and put them on the internet"

"awesome"

"you guys are awesome"

The Gobbler

The McCain neck says:

Wax on, Wax off

"if you believe it, it's true"

Your jibba jabba, you will quit

"size matters not, sucka!"

He who hesitates

suffocates.

Why are y'all giggling?

"so anyways, the storm was crazy man, the roof got –
ok, seriously man, this is some bullshit, I thought ya'll wanted to hear about the storm. What do y'all fuckers keep laughin at?!"

Everybody can relax

there's a secret manual.

I hate you Photoshop

for making me look twice.
at Oprah.

So this actually happened to me.
I was walking past a magazine stand and stopped and did a double-take.
It totally ruined my day.

At least it wasn't Joan Rivers or something.

Test tube babies - a lesson in discrimination

"made in vagina"

"it's scientifically IMPOSSIBLE for you to even remember what it was like being a fetus...
and now that you're what...
20 years old?
you think it's cool to go to the mall and buy a shirt BRAGGING about it!?"

You have my divided attention

"not you, you"

I know karate

"and the correct pronunciation is kada - tay"

The future is stupid / sweet

"real cool future me, real cool"

"are those regular sized hands?"

Don't judge me

"hi, i'm a completely normal monkey"

Decapitated babies - a lesson in sharing

"quick, gimmie the head, i think i see something"