Overenthusiastic bloggers bring unexpected positivity to hemroids

"Top 10 awesome things to do while standing up!"

Merry Christmas from the Johnson's!

Matt, Rob, Kali, Jan
1994

Ninjananner to break new ground in food tourney

look for him in the 2009 Quietest Food Competition as he takes on perennial favorite Mashed Potatoes.

Dog boosts effort to keep reputation intact

"it's called me-style..."

I am the scariest brownie you have ever seen

and yes, my eyes taste like jelly beans.

Go jogging in the park with THESE babies on

Bonus points for jumping in a
pickup soccer game and acting insane.

Hi Alex, it's me A-rod

"Come here, you dirty little slugger.
What do you wanna do, huh? You wanna....
Don't touch me there. OMG, I want you so bad.
I could eat pastries off your abs."

The 2012 Enigma

it has begun.

Beware of the GINGER RAGE

"At least all you other minorities have a place of refuge.
A place where everyone looks like you.
All we have is — Wendy's."

In these tough times

you can always count on Sheep-Pig.

Let, go

You don't understand.
He holds me like this - all the time.
He seriously doesn't let go.

I think he has actual feelings for me.
I mean, who takes their cat to Wal-Mart Portrait Studio
and buys the $200 package?
And when we came home, I think he tried to tongue kiss me.
He had his eyes closed.
It was weird.

Now look what you did

No one takes my sketti o's silly.

Productivity is relative

"Ha Haaa! I did way more shit than you guys today."

The hottest new trend in home aerobics!

Rhythm is crucial.

figaro, figaro, figaro, figaro,

FIIIIIGAAROOOO

The best mouse trap money can buy

Protect your family from the dangers of rodents with Murder Mouse®.

• Murder Mouse comes vacuum sealed and super compact, great for squeezing into tight spaces.
  
• Murder Mouse comes equipped with loaded mini machine gun.
  
• Murder Mouse is trained to befriend other mice.
  
• Just use the included remote to turn off Murder Mouse's feelings to trigger killing spree.

You press the button, Murder Mouse finishes the job. Order your hit today!

Which me is looking at you?

"My guess is, if you had to pick, you'd rather the right me was looking at you, since the left me is the me that is most likely to eat your throat."

I don't have rabies

but you should see me eat corn

You cannot have my panna cakes

"I will swat at any forks or knives that try to take a my panna cakes away from me. These are my panna cakes. And I will not hesitate to slime you with one or more of my nanner arms."

In other news

awkward moments at work are on the rise

Miserable dog relentlessly mocked by owner

"Help someone please, I'm pink and I have pom pom paws. Which, if you can tell by the look on my face, is nothing I feel like cheering about. It makes everything I do seem like it should be exciting. But it's not. My life sucks. The most exciting part of my day is when this crazy bitch gives me a hug and I nearly suffocate in her cleavage."

WELCOME TO HELL

"There you are! We're your assigned demons — pick a happy song and we'll play it in your face for 10,000 years"

Making out with the mirror just got interesting

press play to set the mood

Optimistic snake heralded for positive outlook on life

"Being a snake is like, so awesome. I would trade legs for a forked tongue that scares the crap out of people any day. I find life so rewarding, I mean, what could be better than slithering around looking for things to eat that are bigger than my head... and then swallowing them whole, without chewing. Yay me!"

Talk to the forearm

cuz the hand doesn't have an EAR IMPLANTED IN IT

link

Guitar Hero - Hootie & the Blowfish edition

at least one person is happy

Ya'll have any Applebee's coupons?

because we're about to put on our Crocs® and head on over.

"If the sun were a person..."

"I'd totally make out with it"

Ok, so who's ready for cake?

sorrrrrry vegetarians

see the 'making of' video here

man, I wish I was at that baby shower

for instance, who's cutting the cake?
were their eyes open?

were people saying things like:
"do you want the foot or part of the forehead?"

and what happens if nobody eats it?

theres no good way to get rid of a baby cake

what do you do?

you can't chop it into little pieces

you can't just throw the whole thing in a dumpster


really, about the best thing you could do is
leave it on someones front porch,
ring the doorbell and run

Hang 11

"Bro, check me out...
isn't that what the kids are saying these days?"

He cries scars

that's how sensitive he is

Psycho seal - a lesson in being photogenic

"please drip before he takes it,
please drip before he takes it"

LOOOoook into my eyesssssss

"mav - er - ick"

Baby food stuffed baby stuffed turkey

It starts with the architecture of a 15- to 20-pound semi-boneless turkey -- the wings and drumsticks remain -- that is stuffed with a baby that is stuffed in turn with baby food. After layering the poultry with stuffing, the pile is whomped together, sewn, greased, hoisted into a pan and roasted. It will feed at least 20 people.

Not funny anymore

"give - me - back - my - Boys - II - Men - CD - right - NOW"

Smell my belly button

"stop it, that tickles"

Innocent man rant

"I'm a normal person like everyone else, I swear,

Just because I look intense and sad at the same time and never blink
doesn't mean I'm not friendly.

I don't get why no one will start a conversation with me.

or laughs at my jokes.

It's such bullshit.

It's not fair, why do people think I'm crazy,

HEY, what are you doing?!
stop drawing me, god damnit and
LISTEN TO ME FOR A SECOND!

what the eff,
are you doing COMPOSITE DRAWINGS OF ME !,
are you insane?! no WONDER people think i'm a murderer,

stop scanning that!
ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME!?"

A homeless guy's dream

"omg, quarters"

Where you at Selleck?!

it's better close up, right?

If reincarnation is real

shotgun Selleck-chest-hair-sprinkles

"We still love you"

"just kidding" - everyone

"We still love you"

"just kidding" - your parents

Panda Rant

"it's just bamboo,
I wasn't gonna hit you with it, shit man, relax...
it's what I eat,
I eat bamboo...
fucking, you guys with your cameras,
ever since digital stupid photography got invented you idiots have to capture everything"

"ooooh, I'm eating,
I'm a bear
with fur that makes my eyes look bigger than they actually are
ooh, scary and cute
the perfect combo
oooh, pandas
let's take pictures of them trying to have a snack
and put them on the internet"

"awesome"

"you guys are awesome"

The Gobbler

The McCain neck says:

Wax on, Wax off

"if you believe it, it's true"

Your jibba jabba, you will quit

"size matters not, sucka!"

He who hesitates

suffocates.

Why are y'all giggling?

"so anyways, the storm was crazy man, the roof got –
ok, seriously man, this is some bullshit, I thought ya'll wanted to hear about the storm. What do y'all fuckers keep laughin at?!"

Everybody can relax

there's a secret manual.

I hate you Photoshop

for making me look twice.
at Oprah.

So this actually happened to me.
I was walking past a magazine stand and stopped and did a double-take.
It totally ruined my day.

At least it wasn't Joan Rivers or something.